Do we know how to love our spouse?


A man, a woman. Couples immediately raise the issue of love. But after the initial passionate declarations, it’s daily life that defines conjugal life. And love can only be experienced in the present.

Understanding, understanding each other, understanding oneself.

When we marry, even if we are relatively wise, we have absolutely no idea what we are committing to. The main difficulty for couples is that we have no idea who our spouse really is since we don’t really know who we ourselves are.

Men and women are neighbours

The Pharisees wanted to trap Christ. They often asked him what Moses’ Old Testament laws were. Christ always tried to explain and answer in his own style, rather bluntly, to get to the heart of the matter, knowing perfectly well who he was dealing with. He said; “Love your God with all your body, soul and strength” and “Love your father and mother” and so on. We know the laws. And he said: “But I am going to give you another law: Love one another as I have loved you and love your neighbour as yourself”. So Christ gave only two fundamental laws. For 2000 years now we’ve never been able to obey them. Love your neighbour as yourself! That’s the starting point for couples! Loving your neighbour means : if we don’t know who we are, what the fundamental value of a human being is, of what is within us, then we can’t, unless though a kind of hyperactive hypocrisy, say we love anybody else, since the other person is nothing less than a divine vessel, just like us”

Yvonne Trubert

So obviously in marriage we find ourselves in trouble not only over things we couldn’t have foreseen, but which we don’t understand. Couples consist of two beings who have to understand each other. It’s through this understanding that the hard work begins: the path to self knowledge through knowing the other person. Through the other person, we see ourselves.

Loving and knowing you are loved

Love is only possible if we ourselves live in love. We cannot expect to be loved unless we are able to love. You have to understand everything God puts in a human being. When he creates us, the impulse He gives us is the love which He is. For us, this love is impalpable. We can’t hold it unless we open up to make ourselves loved by God. The first thing to realise is that we are loved by the Creator so that we in turn can love. 

Love is only ever in the present tense

coupleLove is never definitive in couples. It must be built every instant of our lives. It’s a vibration that is only of value in the moment it is experienced. But that doesn’t mean it’s the big things that hold the home together. It’s not necessarily great adversity or great joy that most strengthens couples. It’s through the thousands of little daily things, little gestures of care, tender kisses, respect which consists of putting oneself entirely in the other person’s position in order to understand what they like. The basis of happiness is making other people happy.

The suffering of separation

If we have had relationships that weren’t ideal, they have nevertheless allowed us the possibility of understanding a certain pain in splitting up. The Lord never created suffering: suffering is only ever created by ourselves. But since it exists, we need to realise, as it were, how best to use it. Let’s consider it as something that passes through us in order to bring us a different dimension, the value of an experience which will enrich us and which we won’t want to repeat any more in future.”

Yvonne Trubert

More hardship, more love

If there are difficulties in a couple, it’s because there’s still work to do. It shows that we haven’t yet got to the bottom of ourselves, we haven’t yet seen what is disturbing us because this thing we don’t like the other person doesn’t like either in order to evolve. Maybe we haven’t entirely forgiven the other person otherwise the couple would already have evolved a lot more. You have to realise that as long as a human being hasn’t shaken off his ancestral chains, his fears, his stress, he cannot totally love. If there were no work and struggles, there would be no joy. 

What’s the point in being faithful?

Faithfulness isn’t at all what we think. Faithfulness will teach us to structure ourselves according to the other person’s values, to stop dreaming, to stop creating laws in our imagination that want other partners to be better than the one we have chosen. Faithfulness is not just about not cheating on one’s wife or husband. What’s serious is detaching oneself from the divine process. When this happens, one feels pulled apart. We fall into self-destruction since guilt comes into play which itself creates fears, worries and aggressiveness. In married life, nothing must stay in the shadows. We must love ourselves and each other before God and before men in the same manner. With real awareness. Sometimes it only takes a second, a look, to realise we have something to do together. It’s up to us to go right through with this extraordinary experience of married life. It leads us to the realisation and also the revelation of what we each are and of what we have to do together.